Divorce is a major life change, not just for the couple parting ways but especially for any children involved. It’s normal for most kids to feel a range of emotions – confusion, sadness, anger, relief, anxiety – depending on the situation. As parents, even though you’re going through your own emotional upheaval, your children’s well-being is a top priority. The goal during a divorce (and afterwards) is to maintain a stable, loving environment for your child despite the changes in the family structure. It’s about cooperation (or at least civility) between you and your ex when it comes to parenting so your child feels secure and has consistency. It’s not always easy – it can be extremely hard if the divorce is contentious – but the effort is worth it. Studies show that what affects kids most isn’t the divorce per se but the level of conflict and instability they’re exposed to. Kids do best when parents co-parent with minimal hostility and maintain routines and support​.

When my friend Julia and her husband divorced, their 7-year-old son was upset and confused. Julia and her ex made a pact that no matter their disagreements, they would never bad-mouth each other in front of their son and keep his routine as intact as possible. They sat down with him to explain (in simple terms) that Mommy and Daddy would live in different houses, but he would have homes with both, and both loved him. They said, “You have the right to two homes where you are loved and cared for, and that will never change,” echoing a “Bill of Rights” for him​.

Over the following months, they coordinated school pickups, maintained his bedtime schedule whether he was at Mom’s or Dad’s, and even had a weekly family dinner (all three of them) because it was important to their son. It wasn’t always comfortable for the parents, but it provided an anchor of stability for the child. He’s a teen now, and he once told me he never felt like he “lost” a family – it just changed shape.

Here are some key tips for positive parenting during a divorce:

Communicate Openly with Your Child (in an Age-Appropriate Way):

Kids don’t need all the gritty details of why the divorce is happening (especially if it involves adult issues like infidelity or finances). Still, they do need to know the basic facts and, crucially, that it’s not their fault. Sit down together if you can, or if not, separately, but agree on a unified message. Explain that Mommy and Daddy (or Mommy/Mommy, Daddy/Daddy) won’t be married anymore and will live in different places, but that the child will still spend time with each of you. Reinforce that both parents love them, and that will never change. Do encourage them to ask as many questions and express their feelings. You might get some tough ones (“Was it because I was bad?” or “Can you get back together?”). Prepare to reassure and to be honest yet gentle. For example, “No, it’s not anything you did – this is about us. Sometimes parents decide they can’t stay married, but it’s not because of you. We both love you so much.” If they ask if you’ll reconcile and you know it’s not happening, kindly but firmly let them know the truth, “We won’t be getting back together, but we will both always be here for you.” Kids appreciate truth; uncertainty can be more stressful.

Maintain Routines and Consistency:

As much as possible, keep the child’s daily and weekly routines the same. Continue if they always go to soccer on Saturdays or Grandma’s on Sundays. Bedtimes, school routines, extracurriculars – keep them steady. If the child will be moving between two homes, try to keep rules and schedules consistent between them (if both parents can agree). For instance, if bedtime is 9 PM at Mom’s, it should ideally be 9 PM at Dad’s, too. Consistency = security. One guide states it well: children thrive on predictability, so providing a structured routine at both homes can “alleviate their anxiety during uncertain times”. Perhaps have a shared calendar so the child knows “Monday-Tuesday with Mom, Wednesday with Dad, etc.” Visual aids can help younger kids. Knowing what to expect helps kids feel in control amid change.

Present a United Front (at Least in Front of the Kids):

Even if you and your ex are arguing behind the scenes, try your best to keep it away from the children. It’s incredibly damaging for kids to witness their parents fighting viciously during a divorce. It can make them feel torn in loyalty and unsafe. Never force the child to take sides or relay messages (“Tell your father he’s late on the support payment!” – big no-no). Communicate directly with the co-parent like adults (through email or mediator if talking is hard). And never bad-mouth the other parent to your kid. It can be tempting if emotions run high, but biting your tongue is a true act of love for your child. Every child has an innate need to love both parents and hearing one parent trash the other is heartbreaking and confusing. If you need to vent, do it with a therapist or friend away from the kids.

Reassure the Child of Their “Bill of Rights”:

There’s a concept called the Children’s Bill of Rights in divorce. Some key ones: They have a right to love both parents and not be forced to choose. They have the right to be shielded from adult conflict. They have the right not to be messengers or spies between parents. They have a right to continue to be kids, which means they do not have to hear about legal or money troubles, etc.​

Keep these in mind in your interactions. For example, if your child says, “I miss Mom when I’m with you, Dad,” a positive parenting response is, “I know you do, that’s okay. Mommy misses you too, and you’ll see her tomorrow. How about we draw a picture for her when you return?” Encourage that love. It’s not a competition; a child who feels free to love both parents adjusts much better.

Co-Parent with Civility (Cooperation if Possible):

Co-parenting means both parents remain actively involved and ideally coordinate on parenting decisions. This requires communication and mutual respect. It helps to think of it like a business partnership – the business is raising healthy, happy children. You don’t have to be friends, but you do need to be effective colleagues. Keep each other informed about the child (school issues, health appointments, achievements, problems). Whenever feasible, make important decisions together – like which school the child attends or how to handle a discipline issue, to ensure consistency. Presenting a somewhat united front provides stability. If direct communication is tough, consider using co-parenting apps or email to keep it businesslike. And if the conflict is high, some families successfully use parallel parenting – where each parent does their own routine separately, and they have minimal direct interaction, strictly exchanging necessary info in writing. This can be a stepping stone until emotions cool enough for better co-parenting. Remember, the quality of the co-parenting relationship significantly influences children’s mental and emotional well-being after divorce.​

Provide Emotional Support and Outlet:

Do encourage your child to share and express their feelings about the divorce. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, mad, or confused. Some kids worry that expressing upset will burden a stressed parent, so actively check in: “I know this is a big change. How are you feeling about things? You can always talk to me or Dad about it.” If they’re young, play can be a way they work out feelings – you might see them role-playing with dolls about “Mom and Dad in different houses.” That’s normal. For older kids, they might prefer talking to a third party, like a counselor or a trusted relative. Consider counseling for the child (and yourself) as a safe space to process emotions. I enrolled my son in a “Banana Splits” group at school (a support group for kids of divorce), and it really helped him realize he wasn’t alone and gave him tools to cope. Keep an eye out for signs of your child struggling – regression in younger ones (clinginess, bedwetting), behavior issues in older ones, trouble in school, withdrawal, or acting out. These can be cries for help that they need extra support navigating their feelings.

Keep Both Parents Involved (if safe and possible):

Unless there are major issues of abuse or danger, it’s generally best for the child to have a continuing relationship with both parents. Support your child’s time with your ex. That means not using visitation as a weapon (don’t withhold the child to punish the other parent, and conversely, if you’re the non-custodial parent, show up reliably for your time). Be flexible if the child needs an adjustment – like if a special event falls on “your” day but they want to go with the other parent, think of the big picture and try to accommodate. Show up to school events or sports even on the other parent’s day – kids feel proud (and relieved) to see both parents cheering them on, even if separate. One great tip I heard: have some consistent rituals across both homes. For example, maybe both parents read the same bedtime book or say the same nightly phrase (“Sweet dreams, see you in the morning!”). Small, but it signals unity in care.

Never Make the Child Your Confidant or Go-Between:

In the loneliness of divorce, a parent might be tempted to lean emotionally on the child or inquire about the other parent’s personal life via the child. Resist this. It’s not the child’s role to support you or report back on your ex. They shouldn’t hear things like “Your father/mother is making me so angry” or “Tell your mother she’s late with the payment.” This puts enormous stress on them. Instead, find an adult outlet – friends, therapist, support group – for those conversations. Let your child be a child.

Create New Family Traditions:

One thing that can help kids (and you) not dwell only on what’s changed is to create some new routines or traditions in your “new normal.” Maybe you establish Friday pizza and movie night at Mom’s house, or Sunday pancake breakfast at Dad’s. New small rituals can rebuild a sense of family, even if it’s a family with two homes. Emphasize that “we are still a family.” They might have two households but still have one family – just stretched a bit. As one resource put it, every child has the right to call themselves still a family, no matter how time is split​

Divorce is tough, no sugarcoating it. But I often share this with divorced parents: children can absolutely thrive after a divorce if they have two loving parents who put them first. I’ve seen kids grow up well-adjusted and secure because their divorced parents worked hard to be civil, to collaborate for the kids’ sake, and to ensure the kids never felt unloved or in the middle. In fact, in some cases, kids blossom more after a divorce because the home atmosphere is more peaceful than it was during a bad marriage.

If things between you and your ex are particularly hostile, consider involving a professional mediator or counselor for co-parenting sessions. It helps keep discussions productive and focused on the children. There are also many good books and programs on co-parenting after divorce.

Remember the big three for your child: Love, Stability, and Shielding from Conflict. If those are in place, you’re doing a great job. And take care of yourself through the process, too – when you’re emotionally okay, you can be the steady rock your child needs as their world shifts. With time, healing happens, routines set in, and your child will adapt knowing they have Mom and Dad in their corner, even if not under the same roof.